I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
