i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Randomize
