how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
