I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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