you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
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