your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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