I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
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