and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
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