i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
