She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Randomize
