theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
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