if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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