Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
