I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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