If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
All the doctor said was why
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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