Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Randomize
