she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Randomize
