My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Randomize
