when I scratched it gently some sort of watery looking stuff came out...so then I just stopped thinknig about it.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Did I show you my penis last night?
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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