im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
