trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
