She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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