If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
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