exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Randomize
