Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
Randomize
