I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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