Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
Randomize
