she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
