her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
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