It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Randomize
