hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Randomize
