I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Randomize
