I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
