went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
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