i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize
