You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
