She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
