I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I think I sprained my soul last night
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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