maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
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