Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
She seriously needs to find another hobby other than bouncing on cock.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
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