Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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