I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
