I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
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