I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
