Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Randomize
