if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize