he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
