Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
