not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Randomize