I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
I see more hoeing in ur future
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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