i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
