My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
