I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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