What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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