The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
