Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
