my vag is so smooth its legendary
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Randomize
