if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
